At Least.

When you are inevitably thrown into tragedy during your life, you are often bombarded with what I have come to understand as the “the shield of at least”. This is a reactive safeguard and buffer others use to protect themselves from your trauma. It allows those you interact with to put space between them and the fear surrounding your reality. It is the opposite of connection. It is a breeder of loneliness and a thief of human experience.

“At least” is the silver lining no one needs to hear. Sure, we can find positives in any situation, but forced positivity is toxicity covered in well wishes. Positive mindset is something to be discovered and acknowledged on your own. What human beings do need is to be seen and heard in their suffering so they are not swept under a tidal wave of loneliness.

In my own experience, I have been the recipient of numerous cringeworthy and almost laughable “at least” comments. When I was recently told by my doctor that I cannot get pregnant due to the severity of my diagnosis, people wanted to immediately dismiss that grievance with positivity. “At least you have embryos! At least you can get a surrogate! Even Kim Kardashian got a surrogate! See? Not so bad! Problem solved.”

I did not need a problem solver at that moment. I definitely did not need to hear how Kim K could be my new role model. What I needed was actually quite simple: the encouragement and support to grieve this tremendous loss in my life. 

Why do we need to fill discomfort with forced positivity? It diminishes the gravity of suffering and replaces it with detached sympathy.

I am not encouraging people to sit in pain with everyone they know is suffering. We all need to protect our own peace and boundaries, but I also do not encourage filling silence with apathy and bullshit silver linings. Fight the urge to look away. Replace “at least” with empathy and honesty in its simplest forms. Acknowledge the suffering of those in your path. This will set you both free.

Some of the most supportive moments in my life have come from those who simply admitted they had no words to fill the space between us and yet they still remained to sit in the silence with me.

Brene Brown said it best: Look people in the eye. Even when their pain is overwhelming. We need to know we’re not alone, especially when we’re hurting.